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Sunday Satire #1 – Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Posted by Brandon | Filed under Sunday Satire

Welcome to yet another new category for WIYG. I call this one “Sunday Satire”. Every Sunday I will be posting a moral, non-contradictory bible quote to inspire the peoples and help bring us all a little closer together.

We are going to play out a potential scenario that a Christian must agree with if he is to believe in the infallibility of the bible.

John Smith sleeps soundly, dreaming of crosses and atheists burning in hell when he wakes abruptly to sounds of screams. He bolts out of bed, panic strangling his heart, and follows the muffled cries into his daughter’s bedroom.

There she lay, being taken advantage of by a surly brute of a man who had broken through her window. Smith is enraged beyond description. “You son of a bitch!” he says. “You are going to fucking pay!”

The man looks up mortified, knowing he is caught. “Yes sir, you are correct.” He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a wallet and hands Smith $50.

John Smith counts the money and then nods his head. “Not only that you are also going to be married,” he pauses then adds “And never get divorced, you understand me?”

The daughter looks up to her attacker “Looks like we got you!”

The man’s faces slowly turns defeated and he makes a deliberate slow nod. The jig is up.

This is a despicable and completely immoral fiction. Where did I get my inspiration for it then? I remember now…

Deuteronomy 22:28-29

“If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.”

In no way do I condone violence or rape of any kind but I purposely left out describing the setting because this could easily be a scenario in the bible (also didn’t convert the Shekel to Dollar very well, but really, does it matter?). Furthermore, you’re going to ban Harry Potter and then point to the bible as a source of morality? Shame on all of you. Read your holy book and self-flagellate.

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